We all have our moments. Mine seems to be the past couple of weeks. From delayed flights to hurricanes to breakups, things haven’t been going according to plan. Then again, when do they ever?
I’ve always kept a journal to document all the good, bad, ugly, wonderful things that have happened in my life the past ten years. Journaling lets me collect my thoughts and re-examine what I’ve written down to try and figure out what exactly I’m feeling. My blog, on the other hand, has been a place where I share my feelings towards fashion. I’ve never really blended the two. I don’t really talk about what I’m going through (personally) on my blog or what I’ve gone through because… well, that’s not easy. Being vulnerable and admitting that today sucks, for an example, takes an incredible amount of courage, especially when you have tens of thousands of people watching your every move. It’s one thing to talk about fashion; it’s another thing to share real life stuff. It’s easier to “appear” as if you have it together. Especially in fashion where – hello! It’s not cute to be a “Hot Mess Express” unless of course you’re Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” playing the cute, messy and eccentric role as Holly Golightly. Let’s be real, she was adorable!
Anyways, after writing my heart out the other night, I took a moment to read through some of my old entries and found this one (yep, I’m about to share it) that was written five years ago before my birthday and felt… fitting… given my recent circumstances.
“Dear self, In approximately one month and nine days you will be one year older. Before embarking on another year of happiness, mistakes and self-discovery, there are a few things you should work on. First, stop being so damn controlling. Let your hair down and simply let people get to know the “real” you. Second, you are more beautiful, more intelligent, strong and capable than you will ever know. You probably won’t realize this until it’s too late so I suggest you jump start this process and profit off your impressive gains now while you’re still in your twenties and you don’t need botox. Just throw out the anxiety this year; forgive and forget. Everything will be OK. Third, enjoy your life to the fullest because there will come a day where your grandkids will ask, “What were your twenties like?” and my hope is that after you tell them a story or two (or maybe fifty), they will think you’re absolutely amazing. Actually… let’s start this now so when your birthday rolls around in one month and nine days, you can make a new list… Love, Me”
I wrote that shortly after a breakup. At the time, I had a ton of negative energy swirling inside of me and needed to tell myself that everything was going to be OK and that I was good enough. And as hokey as it sounds, reading that little letter again the other day made me feel good and reminded me that feelings of self-doubt will eventually go away. And, well… that life is too short to dwell on negativity.
It’s funny, sometimes you have to push back (make a couple mistakes) in order to move forward in the right direction. That’s not failure, that’s learning. It wasn’t easy recovering from that breakup and I know this breakup won’t be any easier. They suck, they always do. Then again, I know this time alone will allow me to reflect and grow, experience new things again and become a stronger person – much like the last time. I plan to make positive changes in my life and take advice from my 23-year old self – be healthy, workout again, strengthen my friendships and tell myself that eventually, everything will be OK again and that you’re a lot stronger than you think.
Besides, with every storm there’s a blessing… <3
I apologize for the rant today! If anyone is going through or has experienced similar feelings, I would love to hear your thoughts…